it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
