guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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