I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We are two peas in an std pod
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
