I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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