i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
