If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's shark week go big or go home
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
