I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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