how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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