I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
