So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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