We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
