I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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