You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
