my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
