Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize