There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
