just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
