I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
