the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
