i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
