I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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