We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
