Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I faked an abortion last night.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
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this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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