There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
