That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
