I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
