i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
