Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.