i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight