you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
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I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
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In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina