So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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