It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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