Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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