I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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