it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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