So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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