I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
