I wish I only lived at night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
