I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
