I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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