Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
