Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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