I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
