You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize