So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
