dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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