Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
well you can't waste a boner
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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