just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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