I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
