Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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