I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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