I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
