um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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