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Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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