I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize