I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
