I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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