Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
