Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
