Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
