my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
